Ego-Death Time Capsule

Ah, the Ego-Death. Haven't we all been there? The crippling feeling of completely losing your ground, not knowing up from down, being forced to completely let go of all your labels.

How do you define yourself when you have lost the thing(s) that defined you?

It's scary -yes, terrifying even - to be in the middle of it. But usually, feeling completely lost can urge us onto a new path. A path that along with its uncertainties, also allows us the freedom to completely start redefining ourselves.

I was reminded of this blog post that I wrote in February of 2015, just over 10 years ago. It felt like a time capsule to read it again, and I was taken right back to the time when I faced one of my greatest Ego-Deaths.

From defining myself as a "skier", gripping tightly to this identity as my only lifeline in the sea of social anxiety... At times, it was the only thing that kept me afloat, as I had absolutely no definition of "self" or "self worth" beyond this external label I clung to.

Getting my ninth concussion changed everything.

"Ego bird in the air!" Photo: Leif Zapf-Gilje, Gorman Creek 2011.

I thought I'd share my old blog post here, along with a loving invitation to breathe deeply and allow yourself to surrender to the unknown if you find yourself in a similar situation.

L-O-V-E

February 7, 2015 · by skidigger · in Uncategorized. ·

Hi everyone,

It has been a year since my last concussion, and I would like to write an update in the hope of inspiring some of you who might be going through a hard time. If you are, I send you all of my Love, believe in yourself like my friends believed in me, I hope you get through it.

I spent many months last year in bed, unable to take care of myself, relying on good friends to help me with grocery shopping and to keep me company when all I could do was to lie there in the dark. I am eternally grateful for them -without them, I wouldn’t have made it. Thank you. I love all of you!:-)

It was difficult to keep my spirits up as I didn’t progress very fast, but with each little progression and help from my friends I felt grateful, and my hope grew that one day I would be back to normal. I’m still not “normal”, I often get headaches and can’t push myself 100% in sports or school/work without spending the next day in bed, but I’ve found something that is worth a lot more; a path.

When my doctor told me I could never hit my head again, as I wrote in my blog-post last year, I was forced to having to re-define myself, from being a “skier” to simply being me. It probably sounds like an easy task, but it was eye-opening to see how intricately (yet shallowly) my personality was intertwined with the persona of a “skier”. When it unraveled, I was left on bare rocks. It was scary!

Mt Cain 2011-ish. Same photographer as above.

I knew that I was artistic, I knew I enjoyed conversations with strangers, and I knew I loved nature - but who was I? What was my purpose in life if I was not to become a skier? What if I hit my head again? These questions brought me to the deepest, darkest, unexamined corners of my mind, where I learned how to face my fears, emotions, dreams, and myself. They became the most important lessons I’ve had so far in life.

By forcing myself to ask these questions and deal with whatever came up, I started on a spiritual path—a path guided by strangers who, for no apparent reason, approached me throughout the late summer and early fall. They raised and answered questions I had subconsciously carried since I was born. This path has brought me back to the joy and happiness I remember from childhood, before truly facing the crazy world we live in. It is a path that brings me magic, happiness, and love… and I hope you find your path too, whatever it may be.

If you had asked me a year ago if I was a spiritual person, I might have laughed in your face. If you ask me now, I’d say that we are all spiritual beings, whether we are aware of it or not. 

We are all warriors. We are all fighting against negativity—both within our minds and from the outside world. Every day, we fight the voices in our heads that tell us we’re not good enough, not attractive enough, not successful enough. Most of us battle these thoughts, and because they cause us so much pain, we often project our struggles onto others and the world around us.

But we are all warriors.

We are all trying to make our lives better in different ways. We are all trying to become better people. We are all trying to figure out our lives the best that we can. We are all on our own paths, unknowingly influencing one another and the world—just as it’s meant to be.

I’ve learned many things this year, things I don’t think I would have learned for many years had I not had that concussion. I feel grateful that I was forced to re-examine my life. I’m also grateful (almost) every day that I’ve recovered enough to finish my bachelor’s degree, to lead a near-normal life, and to meet the expectations that society asks of me.

I often think about how lucky I’ve been—how lucky I am to be alive, to not be in a wheelchair. I can take my dog for hikes. I can do yoga. I can be creative. I can write an essay. I can go to rock concerts.

I just always have to wear a helmet. ;-)

I know for a fact that I’ve used up my nine lives. And I’m coming to terms with the possibility that I will hit my head again, and that things might change. But this ties into some of the most important lessons I’ve learned: how important it is to live in the present, to enjoy the moment, and to release attachment to any specific outcome.

This path has also brought me further into yoga, and I’m happy to say that I will be a certified yoga teacher by the end of this month! It has already brought me so much joy and love. There’s no feeling quite like witnessing blissed-out, post-Savasana faces. :-)

I’m excited to see where this journey might take me. But in the meantime, I’m doing my best to enjoy each day for what it is:

Another opportunity to be awesome. Another opportunity to have fun. Another opportunity to do my best and be happy with whatever outcome happens.

I still have many lessons to learn. But though I’ve gained insight I didn’t have before, I know I will be a warrior until the day I die.

And there’s no going back.

Goldstream Park, 2015. Photo: Jon Dickson

I hope you find happiness on your path. And if reading this stirred something in you, I challenge you to challenge yourself—to face those emotions rather than running away from them.

Where do those emotions come from? Do they stem from you, or from an external source you’ve internalized?

Whatever the answer, I hope you don’t listen to the negative voice in your head—but instead, listen to the stillness beneath it.

That is your heart.That is your self.That is who will guide you on your path.

All of My Love and Namasté<3

Bergy